All the News That's Not Fit to Print
By Brandon Muller
WASHINGTON, D.C. Leading members of the scientific community, along with creationists, concluded a week long summit in the nation's capital by agreeing on a resolution that demands both evolution and creation be taught in public schools.
"This is a victory for every would-be scientist who wishes to forego all that silly peer review and scientific consensus nonsense, and bring biblical truth straight into the classroom," proclaimed creationist Dr. Wayne D. Fish.
"We have wedged our way into a new scientific era," declared creationist Phillip Dembsky who prefers to call himself a proponent of "Intelligent Creation" (or IC). "Science has been committed too long to the dogmatic philosophy of "evidence" and "reason." Now science can truly move forward."
The resolution calls for a complete teaching of both evolution and creation with a final exam made up of questions split evenly between the two theories. Gene Schott, director of the National Center for Educating Science, conceded that her fellow scientists just grew tired of the constant opposition from creationists.
"They were very persistent," lamented Schott. "Finally, we just threw up our hands and said, "We give up! We'll let you present your side to students." Come to find out, we really didn't give up much at all." According to Schott, the entire creationist presentation will take less than 20 minutes of an full academic semester.
"Basically, evolution teaching will remain the same. The textbooks will not change," explained Schott. "The only difference is that at some point in the class, the first two chapters of Genesis will be read. That really shouldn't take very long at all."
Creationists were happy with the resolution. "Well, truth be told, we'd prefer to have students spend the same amount of time on both theories," said Fish. "However, all we have is the first two chapters of Genesis. God did it. It's that simple. The evolutionists have a lot more stuff they have to go through."
The only issue left unresolved was between the creationists themselves concerning what Bible translation to use.
"I'm a big fan of the Living Bible," said Dempsky, "but Dr. Fish prefers the King James. See, we really are legitimate. We have our own in-house debate! It's like he's Dawkins and I'm Gould!" The resolution also included a sample final exam containing both evolution and creationist questions. Below are the first ten questions of the exam:
1. Describe the theory of punctuated equilibrium and argue whether or not it
represents a paradigm shift in evolutionary theory.
2. What did God create on the third day?
3. Name and describe at least three different mechanisms for genetic mutation.
4. Who named all the animals?
5. Explain the significance of "ring species" in evolutionary theory.
6. True or False? Adam was a monkey.
7. Describe the role of natural selection in evolution.
8. Fill in the blank. "God saw that the light was ____."
9. Define: Allopatric speciation.
10. Whom did God create first? a. Adam b. Eve c. Steve
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