Questions for Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.  She stated that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstances.  The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.  It's funny, as well as informative.

Being a converted Jew, she can't claim "that law was abrogated" defense of many Christians.


(Dr. Laura’s answers were done in absentia by our own Rich Collins.)


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -- Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Try smothering the bull with garlic. The people of Gilroy will admire you and God is behind garlic like everything else, so s/he won't object.


2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

EBAY is your best bet here.


3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness -- Lev. 15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

How insensitive! You obviously have not been married very long or you slept through sensitivity training. Experienced husbands just know these things. Get a clue.


4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

If you ask a Canadian I think they will say we already own them.


5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Only if s/he is running their gas powered leaf blower or lawn mower at 5:00 AM. In which case no court in the land will convict you and you don't have to pay someone else to do your dirty work. Invite the rest of your neighbors to witness the act and turn it into a festive block party.


6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination -- Lev. 11:10 -- it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Abomination this, abomination that. In case anyone has the slightest question about the roots of hostility in the Middle east they have not consulted the dictionary.com entry for abomination --
Quote:
This word is used, (1.) To express the idea that the Egyptians considered themselves as defiled when they ate with strangers (Gen. 43:32). The Jews subsequently followed the same practice, holding it unlawful to eat or drink with foreigners (John 18:28; Acts 10:28; 11:3). (2.) Every shepherd was "an abomination" unto the Egyptians (Gen. 46:34). This aversion to shepherds, such as the Hebrews, arose probably from the fact that Lower and Middle Egypt had formerly been held in oppressive subjection by a tribe of nomad shepherds (the Hyksos), who had only recently been expelled, and partly also perhaps from this other fact that the Egyptians detested the lawless habits of these wandering shepherds. (3.) Pharaoh was so moved by the fourth plague, that while he refused the demand of Moses, he offered a compromise, granting to the Israelites permission to hold their festival and offer their sacrifices in Egypt. This permission could not be accepted, because Moses said they would have to sacrifice "the abomination of the Egyptians" (Ex. 8:26); i.e., the cow or ox, which all the Egyptians held as sacred, and which they regarded it as sacrilegious to kill. (4.) Daniel (11:31), in that section of his prophecies which is generally interpreted as referring to the fearful calamities that were to fall on the Jews in the time of Antiochus Epiphanes, says, "And they shall place the abomination that maketh desolate." Antiochus Epiphanes caused an altar to be erected on the altar of burnt-offering, on which sacrifices were offered to Jupiter Olympus. (Comp. 1 Macc. 1:57). This was the abomination of the desolation of Jerusalem. The same language is employed in Dan. 9:27 (comp. Matt. 24:15), where the reference is probably to the image-crowned standards which the Romans set up at the east gate of the temple (A.D. 70), and to which they paid idolatrous honours. "Almost the entire religion of the Roman camp consisted in worshipping the ensign, swearing by the ensign, and in preferring the ensign before all other gods." These ensigns were an "abomination" to the Jews, the "abomination of desolation." This word is also used symbolically of sin in general (Isa. 66:3); an idol (44:19); the ceremonies of the apostate Church of Rome (Rev. 17:4); a detestable act (Ezek. 22:11).


7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Idiot! That is merely a rhetorical allegorical mystical writer's device like the rest of the beautiful poetry in the Bible.  Did you sleep through Lit. 101?


8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

Don't you have a neighbor who owned a gas powered lawn mower that is recently deceased and not using it anymore? Does that give you any ideas?


9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Anyone that ponders the profound questions such as those contained in this letter to Laura would not be playing football. You sir, or madam as the case may be, are an imposter!


10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -- Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Polyester does not burn well so I would stick with stoning. What family? Anyone who cannot tell a woman is menstruating without asking directly is not going to father much of a family.


I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

And so is the arrogance of hate talk radio hosts.


Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.



» go to Atheists of Silicon Valley home page «

» go to Humor Page «