The Gods' Total Quality Management Questionnaire



The gods would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, they ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How did you find out about your deity?

    Newspaper
    Bible
    Torah
    Television
    Book of Mormon
    Divine Inspiration
    Dead Sea Scrolls
    My Mama Done Tol' Me
    Near Death Experience
    Near Life Experience
    National Public Radio
    Tabloid
    Burning Shrubbery
    Other
    (specify): 

  2. Which model deity did you acquire?

    Yahweh
    Father, Son & Holy Ghost
    Jehovah
    Satan
    Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
    God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
    God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
    None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
    (specify): 

  3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

    Yes     No

    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
    Please indicate all that apply:

    Not eternal
    Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
    Not omniscient
    Not omnipotent
    Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
    Permits sex outside of marriage
    Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera)
    Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
    Looks after life other than that on Earth
    When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
    Requires burnt offerings
    Requires virgin sacrifices
    Other
    (specify): 

  4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire your particular deity?
    Please check all that apply.

    Indoctrinated by parents
    Needed a reason to live
     Indoctrinated by society
    Needed focus in whom to despise
    Imaginary friend grew up
    Hate to think for myself
    Wanted to think for myself
    Wanted to meet girls/boys
    Fear of death
    Wanted to piss off parents
    Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
    Needed a day away from work
    Desperate need for certainty
    Liked the holidays
    Like Organ/Celtic Music
    Need to feel Morally Superior
    Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
    Thought Jerry Falwell wasn't cool
    Shit was falling out of the sky
    My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
    Other
    (specify): 

  5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?

    Yes     No

    If so, which one?
    Please check all that apply.

    Mick Jagger
    Cthulhu
    Triple Goddess
    Baal
    The Almighty Dollar
    Bill Gates
    Steve Jobs
    Left Wing Liberalism
    Guinness
    The Radical Right
    Ra
    Beelzebub
    Barney T.B.P.D.
    The Great Spirit
    The Great Pumpkin
    The Sun
    Elvis
    Cindy Crawford
    The Moon
    A burning shrubbery
    Other
    (specify): 

  6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your deity?

    Yes     No

    Please check all that apply.

    Tarot
    Lottery
    Astrology
    Television
    Fortune cookies
    Psychic Friends Network
    Dianetics
    Palmistry
    Playboy and/or Playgirl
    Self-help books
    Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
    Biorhythms
    Alcohol
    Tea Leaves
    EST
    AOL
    Mantras
    Jimmy Swaggert
    Crystals
    Human Sacrifice
    Pyramids
    Wandering around a desert
    Insurance policies
    Burning Shrubbery
    Xena Warrior Princess
    Other
    (specify): 

  7. The gods employ a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.

    Which would you prefer (choose one)?

    More Divine Intervention
    Less Divine Intervention
    Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

  8. The gods also attempt to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.

    Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 the current handling of the following:
    (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):



    Disasters

    1

    2

    3

    4

    5

    Flood
    Famine
    Earthquake
    War
    Pestilence
    Plague
    SPAM
    AOL
    Windows 98
    Miracles

    1

    2

    3

    4

    5

    Spontaneous remissions
    Stars hovering over
    jerkwater towns
    Crying/bleeding statues
    Water changing to wine
    VCRs that set their
    own clocks
    Winning the Lottery
    Men who truly
    understand women

  9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of the gods' services?

Name: (optional)
E-Mail: (optional)

 

If you complete the questionnaire by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately 1:6.023x10-23 depending on number of beings entered).



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