Test those Christians

by Ammond Shadowcraft

The Event

There I was busily working at my desk when the interruption occurred. "Hi, are you Ammond?" "Yeah," I replied. "What can I do for you?" "I'm Hezikah Brown, and I'd like a couple minutes of your time." Being the nice guy that I am I agreed to a few minutes. It seems Hezikah is a Born Again Christian with a mission from God. He told me how he believed that Jesus was his personal Lord and Savior, how his life had been changed for the better, how he spoke in tongues and that he heard I was a witch. "The rumor in the office is that you're a witch." "It's true," I answered. "How can that be," he retorted. "Don't you know that witches are going to hell." And off we went...

The Question

So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly dizzy people claiming to be Christians. It seems you meet these people everywhere. You just can't get away from them. They are in the office, swinging through the restaurant, on your computer network, cruising the beach and parading in that crowded john. Just when you get home for a private, intimate interlude with your lover comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian. What the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate nude on the floor while in full view of the True Christian? No. We test them. As I presume that like me you are a non-believer too we can have a little fun.

Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves." Matt 7:15

and "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ, or, Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and false prophets and shall show great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24

John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the spirits, whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world." 1st John 4:1

There are many different types of Christian you know. And they all claim to be True Christians. How is the non-believer to know which is which? After all we want the real thing, a True Christian, not a demon from hell disguised as an angel of light. No Jim Bakkers or Jimmy Swaggarts will do. We want a real fool for Christ. How do we tell the True Christian from the disguised demon? The real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that with a little help. And this help comes from a very unexpected source. You see these Christian critters have a role model they follow. And they can't deviate from the model too much and hope to get to the heavenly entertainment park. Jesus, their role model has stated...

"Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. Many will say to me in that day Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by your name and by your name cast out demons, and by your name do many mighty works? And I will profess to them, I never knew you. Go away from me you who work evil." Matt 7:22-23

So you can see that not every person who claims to be Christian will make it to that starry, wonder filled entertainment park they call heaven. True Christians tell me that only 10 percent of those who claim to be True Christians are Christians at all. There's just a little rivalry. It seems they are all in competition with each other for that last 144,000 condos-in-paradise. Now God knows how much real estate He has and how much it costs. Overpopulation being what it is today He has to oust some. Otherwise garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution covers the crystal walls and the sewers back up. Yech!

As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do they look serious? Are their clothes nice? Do they look like they own property? Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush. We don't want the testee to suspect our motives.

Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the conversation starts let the testee know just where you stand. You don't want to be duped. You want to talk to a true Christian. None other than a true Christian will do.

Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True Christian? Do they love Jesus? Is Jesus their Personal Lord and Savior? Yes? Good. Ask them how much they love Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. Are they Spirit filled? Do they display any of the fruits, love, joy, peace, happiness, etc. of the Spirit as described in Gal. 5:22-23?

Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without this we won't have any fun. Ask our volunteer if they believe in the Bible. Do they believe that it is the Word of God? Is it infallible? Is the Bible as appropriate for today as it was two thousand years ago? If the answer is yes, even if not infallible, fun is to be had in short order.

The Money Test

Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee with moral absolutes and performance tests. Here is the first performance test that we can enjoy.

"Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh away thy goods ask not again." Luke 6:30

"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." Matt. 5:42

Luke 6:35 sums it all up...

"But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil."

True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we should give them every opportunity to experience those absolutes as real, upfront and personal events. In your next testing session, when you hear the True Christian extolling the Rock of Moral Absolutes upon which they stand, go for the cash. It has a nice sobering effect that should in the long run benefit the True Christian.

Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet. Have them show it to you. Any money inside? Good. Ask for it. You don't want their credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no money, ask for an article of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good. How about car keys? Do they have a big cross with them? Ask for it.

When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then ask again. Should they still refuse call them a fraud, for that's exactly what they are. Just like Jesus send them away into darkness. They aren't a True Christian.

Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak on their back and the cross too, we get to have more fun...

The Swill Test

Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their obsessive traits is to compare their past performance with the actions of those in the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord? Do they follow Jesus closely? Do they want to follow more closely? Yes? Good. Now we start with the serious tests.

In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the commandments to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead and cast out devils." Take a skeptical attitude about their status as a True Christian. Again let them know that you want only the real thing. No substitutes will be allowed.

"And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name they shall cast out demons, they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall in no wise hurt them; they shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark 16:17-18

On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out of the bag. Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues? Have they laid their hands on sick persons who were healed?

If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the bottle tightly while in storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in something to hide the mess from sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can pick up serpents and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our unsuspecting testee to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou shalt not test God" respond by saying that you are testing them, not God. God is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you can safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send them away.

A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the drink is toxic. Let them pick up the bottle for themselves. If they drink the potion they take the test of their own free will.

Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late addition' not found in the earlier texts. Perhaps they have confessed to you previously that the Bible is the word of God and is infallible. What happened? Didn't the believe the Bible? Tell them they aren't a True Christian; they are frauds. Send them home with their tails between their legs.

Conclusion

As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian. A True Christian is equivalent to being a Bibliolater--one who worships the Bible. Now being a Christian is ok. But being a Bibliolater is a form of mental illness. And it's great fun to let the Bibliolater know of their problem when they interrupt your day.

I have about ten other performance tests but the aforementioned are the most exciting. Please feel free to experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes and performance tests. You may find some that are just a much fun as these.

Copyright Dec. 1989. Ammond Shadowcraft

Permission is given to reproduce or retransmitt this article providing the article is complete, and with the author's name and copyright notice fully intact.


For the folks who have requested more...

What I wrote up came from Delos Mckown in a speech he gave in Atlanta, Georgia, October 7, 1989

"Positive good can come from making Christians suffer 'cognitive dissonance', for it is out of intolerable intellectual and emotional conflict within oneself that deliverance often comes." Professor Delos McKown. Prof. Mckown is a former clergyperson and present Head of philosophy at Auburn University since 1979.

Here are more tests for our Bibliolators...

Stronger test... Luke 10:19: Jesus says that his disciples can walk on scorpions and snakes. Not everyone has a roomful of snakes. However you can get a large, covered jar with a "little" something in it. Make sure the testee can't see inside the jar. Ask your testee to put his hand in the jar and wiggle it around. Any reluctance shows weak faith, not someone you'd want to listen too.

Weaker test: 1 Cor. 7:29: St. Paul says to cut out sex. If they are married are they still making love to their spouse?

Stronger test: Matt. 10:18: Jesus sends out his disciples to heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, etc. Again be skeptical and ask the testee if they are really from Jesus? They could be from a false teacher or worse yet, the devil. If they assure you they are from Jesus test them. Ask for a demonstration of healing the sick, raising the dead and cleansing lepers. Since lepers aren't around AIDS patients can be substituted.

Weaker test: When the Bibliolator shows up at your door express concern. You don't want to be duped by a fraud. Ask them if the description in Luke 14:26 fits them. "If any man comes to me and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethern, and sistern, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." How does that fit in with loving others? If the evangelist really hates their spouses and family why all the concern about living forever in heaven with these people?

Stronger test: Matt 10:17-18: As the conversation goes on be sure you have the genuine article. Ask if this person has ever been flogged in a synagogue or dragged before governors and kings for Jesus's sake. The answer is almost certainly no. But continue with Matt 10:21-22. "And brother shall deliver brother up to death, and the father the child; and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death, and ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake..." Ask "Have you had family problems like these?" Then "Does everyone hate you because of Jesus?" The answer to both questions is almost certainly no. Say sadly and gravely that you are afraid this person is not the real article. Send them away into darkness. You want to learn about Jesus from the right kind of person as described in Matthew.

Weaker test: After the testee has made their opening spiel just ask "Are you morally perfect?" Christians make a big deal of saying they are not perfect, just forgiven. Read Matthew 5:48 wherein Jesus says in the red letter edition, "Be ye perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." The answer is almost surely no. Solemnly note this is an imperative, not a maybe. Bibliolators should thank you for pointing out their flaw. Tell the testee to come back when they are morally perfect.

Stronger test: If the Bibliolator is a woman ask her if women are allowed to speak aloud in the congregation. If the answer is yes, cite Paul's first letter to Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection, but I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to ursup authority over man, but to be in silence." If she still answers yes ask why that is ignored. What other commands are ignored? Why?

Stronger test: Bibliolators seldom play fair. If the Bibliolator pleads with you to read the Bible or pray everyday, or attend church, or say a little prayer, present your own proposal. Say "Sure I will, if you'll do something for me.Go out into the woods alone where you won't be seen or embarrassed. Call upon the wood spirits and water nympths to give you good luck. And say this prayer...

Lord Cernunnos, I have been so confused lately that I have forgotten you. Please forgive me my sins. If you exist please manifest your being in my life. Thank you."

Since this looks like idolatry in the Bibliolators eyes they will not agree and you won't have to keep your bargain either. They will leave.

Enough for now. Have a good time with this...

B*B Ammond Shadowcraft


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